by Caitie Leibman, Director of Communications
We never make decisions alone.
No—we’re not talking about all the different people we might consult when making a decision. We’re not talking about the family members, loved ones, or trusted counselors in our lives that help us navigate the big stuff.
Instead, we’re talking about what happens in our own minds. We never make decisions alone because there are always at least three different versions of us in the mix! This idea has been explored by a number of researchers who study the psychology of happiness, and writer Laura Vanderkam has summarized it really nicely in her work.
Basically, our decisions are always happening by committee:
- There is the “you” who looks forward to things, who plans or even worries about the future: that’s the anticipating self.
- There is the “you” who is right here today, living life: that’s the experiencing self.
- There is the “you” who gets to look back, reminisce, and savor memories: that’s the remembering self.
The challenge is that only one of these people has to live out the costs of each choice: the experiencing self. Consider an everyday example… Should I go for a walk this morning?
“Nah, too cold,” says the experiencing self. “I’m tired.”
“But think of how energized we’ll feel after we walk,” says the anticipating self.
“Yeah, that’s how we felt last time we didn’t want to take a walk but then we did,” says the remembering self.
“Yeah, but you bozos don’t have to find clean socks, or bundle up, or drag your behind out there, or clean the floor after we track our shoes inside. I do!”
And that darn experiencing self isn’t wrong. But it doesn’t mean she should get the final say every single time. Do you hear the good points the other two have to offer? They’re not wrong either.
The experiencing self—the one that lives here, does a lot of the lifting, and has to deal with discomfort—has a disproportionate impact on two other really important people: your anticipating self and your remembering self. It’s a huge opportunity.
That anticipating self is teeing up some good stuff for you. She’s planning for retirement, investing wisely so that you might spend well. Making the most of those chapters of life is something you can do to honor her effort.
The remembering self might be savoring your choices for decades. What kind of experiences do you want to give her to work with? How do you want her to look back on you?
It’s not about getting every little thing in life just right. Sometimes, a walk is just a walk. A sandwich is just a sandwich. A paycheck is just a paycheck.
But from time to time, it’s good to zoom out and see how these three people are getting along. When our plans, experiences, and memories are working together, life can feel very rich.
What are you savoring from the past, enjoying in the present, or looking forward to in the future?
No matter where you find yourself, we’re wishing (all three of) you some peace, comfort, and joy today.
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